Friday, September 5, 2008

!0 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter - a funny

This is something I just HAD to share for all of you that have duaghters out there :)

Courtesy of - Live Life to it's Fullest -


10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
Only honk your horn when pulling into my driveway when delivering a package, because obviously you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
Your clothes will stay on your body at all times you are with my daughter. I am aware that it is fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't misunderstand me, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still I want to be fair and opened minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
No thoughts or physical acts of sex. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
Bring my daughter home early. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back home, and the only word I require from you is "EARLY".

Rule Six:
You will date only my daughter. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is agreeable with my daughter and until she is finished with you. Otherwise, if you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
While waiting for my daughter at the front door for more than an hour, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for anything, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of standing there, do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight:
Do not take my daughter to the following places: Anywhere there is a bed, sofa or anything softer than a wooded stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts or anything else other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka- zipped to her throat. Hockey games are Okay, as well as old folks homes.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me! I may appear to be the pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But in matters concerning my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, shovel and 5 acres behind my house.

Rule Ten:
Be Afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.


This is me :)

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